So, I'm really excited because yesterday I finally chose a direction I want to take with my education! I was kind of wandering for a little while. Not really sure what I wanted to do, and I was afraid I would be stuck that way forever! But at least I have some sort of direction and I'll try to work really hard.

By the way,

40 days until Christmas!

38 days until I turn 20, :?

I haven't posted in a long time, I know. I've been busy, and without motivation to post because I feel like I don't really have anything to talk about.

I got a job. I work as a customer service representative for a special needs Medicare type insurance. What does that mean? I get to have old people call me and yell at me for something that I didn't do. I got really freaked out about it a week or so ago because I had a call where some lady just kept saying, "I've got one foot in the grave, and one foot on the ground." But I've gotten past that.

I've started to accept that I'm going to die. For a while it was scaring me because I never really thought about it before, but now I realize that it will happen and that the world will still go on.

School is going okay. Just trying to handle working and school at the same time. I got a 98 on my first math test, which I was really excited about because my boyfriend didn't help me study at all! I only passed last semester's math class because of him.

And about him, things are going great. I love the way I can feel so comfortable with him. I like taking care of him and I like when he takes care of me. He's great!

And nothing else to really report on. I've got money, a new outlook on existence, and a lovely boyfriend to spend my time with. What else could I ask for?


An Ipod or Zune. That's what I want. I can't decide which one I want to get, though. ???
Thanks for reading.

As I may not fully understand who I am as a person, I am happy with where I am and I most extremely grateful for the people surrounding me.

I remember a time when I had things to say, things to write. When I wasn't so afraid of myself because I knew who I was, or who I could be. Now I am the living shell of the person I used to be. I fear I will soon dissolve into nothingness if things keep going the way they are, if I keep acting the way I do.

Over a month since I've posted. Let's see, what's going on? Is it sad that I can't think of interesting things to reply to that question? Maybe I'm all scrabbled brain right now. There's a hurricane/storm outside so I decided to go flying. Do I need to explain?

Here's a re-cap of the past month and a few days:
I visited my old church one Sunday night. Saw the youth pastor Susan. We talked about Africa! She'll take the pictures and I'll write the articles. She used to be a photographer but closed her studio to become a full time minister. It's close to perfect. Now she'll just have to abandon her children to come live with me in a jungle.

I hung out with Kirstyn some before she left for Winthrop. I feel upset sometimes that I didn't get in so I could go with her. My SAT scores sucked. Maybe that's my fault, but I didn't intend for my father to have a huge argument with me the morning of the test. He knows I take everything personally. I don't know, we'll get to that subject in a moment. Anyways, I wish I could have gone with her and she wouldn't have to live with some noisy, Mt. Pleasant girl. I also miss her. Even though we talk every day, it's not the same. Just a voice. She has a boyfriend now, which is very exciting!

My parents are going through that phase of where they hate me again. It's different for both of them. My father is just grumpy and mean all the time. When I try to talk to him, even the look on his face expresses shear anger and disgust. And with my mother, I have to walk on my toes all the time. It's like anything I say or do that she doesn't like, turns into a breakdown. I guess my parents are sad that I don't really live at home anymore, meaning that they are getting older. I can't stop time!

I started school. I like it a lot. I like being able to just focus on that for the day and not have to think about real things. I also love that I do not have to interact with anyone really. I look down when I walk to class.
-I'm too shy, so shy that it's kind of starting to take over my life. I just don't have a button I could push that would turn off my social anxiety. I'm perfectly fine with not talking, but listening, in a conversation. I spend the majority of my day in silence. Is that sad too?

I sort of have a job. Not really, I pick my cousin up from school. He goes to some rich kid school on John's Island. It's sickening, all these young girls driving Lexus and Mercedes cars. Whatever, get paid! My aunt gave me this job and I'm very thankful. She is the nicest and kindest person I've ever known. I'm grateful for her, she is like my second mother.

Why can I type this much but not talk?

Mat and I are still dating, I can't believe he still tolerates me. He's nice.





You will come down soon too
You will come down too soon

I just spent a long weekend with my lovely boyfriend. We did absolutely nothing and it was great. I'd rather do nothing with him than anything with somebody else. I'm talking to my friend Jon right now, hopefully he'll come out and ice skate on wednesday. I've been going with Mat and Matt and it's really fun. Jon's going to Ohio to see Radiohead which is very exciting. I feel bad though because he has to go with his ex-gal who I know he totally hates now. But she bought the tickets, so what can you do? I sent him a flirty myspace comment which hopefully will make her jealous, ha.

I feel like shit. I've felt awful for the past couple days now. Ughhhh, i'm going to eat some moose tracks soon which hopefully will make me feel better. Prob worse and fat and gahhhh.

Ugh, i just got done driving my mom around the neighborhood so she could put flyers on mailboxes. She was driving at first but she was terrible at getting close enough to it. I didn't care, I was in a 4x4, that mailbox would have been taken out before I was! She's hosting the neighborhood summer cook-out, meaning a bunch of people i don't know and def don't want to talk to in my house. Sadly, I won't be home that day. Or at least I'll try not to. I'm going to lock my bedroom door too. I trust no one. I've just been on the computer all day. Fixed my album art, watched: Zombie Nightmare, an episode of Boy Meets World I've been dying to see for years now, and a few episodes of Sex and the City. I've decided to watch the whole series very soon!! I'm waiting for Matbrady to call me now. I've decided to go to the library, I have so many books that are probably very overdue.

I am sitting in the living room waiting for Mat Brady to wake up. On my laptop, which he finally fixed. And I'm glad because now I can start my DJ career. yeAh! I haven't posted anything recently because nothing really has been going on. I saw Modest Mouse, it was great! They were great! Every time i listen to them now, I hear them live in my mind. Kirstyn and I stayed in Myrtle Beach for the night and then we went to a Ripley's haunted house, which was fun.
I went to the beach with my mother, and then we hung out for 4th of July with my grandmother. Which was weird and awkward, because I have a feeling like they don't like me very much, only because they have to, but i'm weird it could all be in my mind.
I'm still trying to get a job. My mom said I might be able to work in the bookkeeper's office for Alex's and all the other stores. It's on Rivers, which sucks, but whatever I need a job!
Mat Brady is still dating me, although sometimes I don't know why. I'm such a bum because I don't have a job! And I'm too quiet to be interesting. Idk, i try!
Well since there's nothing else I have to add, I'm done now.




No, now.

I'm going to see Modest Mouse tomorrow. I'm pretty excited about that. We're also going shopping first! I can't spend too much money. I just looked up more jobs to try and get. I feel like I've had enough time off, because now there's nothing to do. And my parents are really starting to hate me, but I like to think it's only because they are jealous of my youth.

Me and Mat are still dating. I very much enjoy being with him. But I try not to talk about it, as if my words will dissolve the feeling. They won't, I'm just weird!

My dad just got surgery. So he's a freakin' grouch. I rushed home to see him this morning, and he slept all day. I could have stayed in bed.
But I won't let him get me down.
I just got The Beach Boys: Sounds of Summer, it definitely makes life happier
And I'm really glad it rained today

I am tired of being so shy and anxious all the time. It makes me so sad. I think I have a social anxiety disorder. And how I go about fixing this, I have no idea. I'm researching it, and it says I could get medication. But I don't want to do that, I'd rather feel anxious than to not feel at all. And it's not like I don't try to talk myself out of it, I've just always been shy, ever since I was little. But I feel like it's getting worse. It definitely got a lot worse this school year. I'm tired of feeling the way I do when there's a lot of people I don't know in a place. Actually, it doesn't even have to be a lot of people. It could just be like one person. And I feel like if I don't fix this soon, I'm going to stop talking to a lot of people, even people I do know. And then I'm going to disappear into nothingness. I'm not trying to be all emo and sad, this is just the way I feel.



I don't know what to do. I'd like to go talk to someone about this, but I can't tell my mother. I can't be the crazy girl in my family. As if my family wasn't crazy enough.

This makes me so frustrated sometimes:
What is wrong with me?

So, I exempted my English exam! Which I'm really excited about because I worked really hard, and I'm glad I don't have to study for the exam. I exempted Crime Scene and Accounting exams too. Today I have my Government exam, which my teacher already told me the lowest grade I could get to still pass the class is a -8. So, bring it on! Calculus exam tomorrow, Entrepreneurship exam next week, and then that's it. The seniors in the Drama Studio have to sing "For Good" at graduation. Ugh, yikes!
I'm looking to get a job at this pool construction place in West Ashley. My dad is affiliated with the right-hand man of the owner of this place, so hopefully it's in the bag? I try not to speak too soon.

Paige IM'ed me last week. I don't usually get on AIM anymore, but the messages still get sent to my cell phone. 2 messages:


Hey



I'd like to have a nice chat if you want to but i got a new number





That's all. I didn't respond, or even make the effort to. I'm not ready to make nice, I'm not sure if I'll ever be. I don't care if that makes her upset. This whole time hearing all these awful things about her and this new life she's been living lately, I haven't felt one bit of sympathy or pity. She didn't care about me and my feelings when she did what she did. Why should I care then, now, or ever?

a fucking ant bit me on sunday morning and the bite is still bothering me.
i killed him, but he got the last laugh for sure.
do ants have a sense of humor?
good work ethic, maybe

Haha, we're watching a video on the computer/projector, and the screen saver has come on. I don't think anyone has noticed. So I had a good, strange weekend. Spent the night with Mat on Friday night. Went to Andrew's Saturday night to hang out with Alex, Kirstyn, Danielle, Lizzy, and who ever else was there. Danielle was so drunk, or just overly excited about a booty call, that she forgot her purse when she left. It's in my car, I wonder when she'll come get it from me. Went to breakfast on Sunday with Alex and Andrew. I don't really like them anymore, as people or as a couple. Well, mostly Andrew. I feel like he mocks me to my face, but does it in a subtle way and thinks I don't notice. I found out this week that Alex thinks I'm self-centered and stuck up. Now I just don't answer her phone calls when she needs a ride somewhere, fuck that, fuck them. Whatever. Sunday night I went to Liz's to hang out with her and Bekah to get drunk and jump on the trampoline. Haha, I feel like Bekah was trying to come onto me the whole night. She's cute, but I wasn't that drunk. Then yesterday I woke up and Liz came over for a bit. I saw Joel Odom yesterday. He's lost his fucking mind. He has borderline personality disorder which just makes him seem so sad. We were just talking about the way we feel about things, and we agree on the way we feel about a lot of things. He suggested that maybe I have whatever he has, but no. There's no way I'm like him. He just seems like an empty shell of the person I knew before. I took too long of a nap yesterday. I was going to go see Mat for a bit, but I slept the day away. I wish I hadn't, I would have liked to see him. I have 3 exams this week and 1 next week. Why is school taking so long? Now it's Tuesday, and I was late for class. Whatever, I've exempted the exam, and thought that listening to metal in my car was more important? I mean what are we doing in here right now, there goes the screen saver again.

i feel like this is too much
this whole get up

They brought the dogs today. I am so glad I was clean. I think they got Emily though. I hope she's alright.

I've felt strange the past couple of days. Like there's all these feelings, thoughts, and things I want to say out loud to someone, but then I can't begin to describe what they are. That's why I feel so strange, having feelings but not being able to relate them to anyone. I constantly feel like I have something to tell someone, but then I just say I don't remember. Really I just can't put into words what is going on. It's hard for me to even write this, because idk what is going on. I just need someone to help me figure myself out right now.

So of course today I wore a short skirt, and it's chilly outside. It's chilly in here too, I was hoping it wouldn't be from all the computers. I really like the way CoverGirl powder smells. Yesterday we performed for children, and then I got to leave after that. They seemed to enjoy it, and I had a lot of fun. I felt shitty all day afterwards though. We perform for children again today.



I love researching about the end of the world/how the human race will survive at this rate. We are the creators of our own destruction.